ZER0

I had a long, cathartic conversation with a very good friend of mine tonight. It seemed to be mutually therapeutic. I talked about things going on in my head, my heart, and my life. To my surprise, I told her something I've never told another living soul. I felt as if something of a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, too.

Do you know one thing I =>fully<= realized? I want a wife...not a wifey...not a fuckbuddy...not any of those other made-up, "modern" parodies of a real relationship. That's the rut. THAT is the rut!!!

Dudes don't hold hands any more, y'know? I want to hold my wife's hand. I want to wash her hair, clean the kitchen with her, and give her the side eye about her driving. I want to call in to work on a stormy morning and stay home with her watching Cary Grant movies. Sure, I can do that with a girlfriend. But, I want to do that with MY wife.

My friend said she pretty much aims to not be unhappy...which is something I have found myself doing. But, if life was a number line, like in math class, then not unhappy is just...zero. That's a sucky way to enjoy the GIFT of life, ain't it? But, people FIERCELY protect their zero. There has to be more.

Now, I have to get MYself together. Ugh!

Thanks to Natty Dreadnok for finding this gem amongst the jetsam & flotsam.

Here We Go

I think that I need to start writing again. Internalizing the levels of stress I'm dealing with is not helping. In the end, this is more my little sliver of the internet than any other space that I utilize. So, I shall begin again...here. Maybe, I can achieve a personal breakthrough, or at least some traction. Yes...traction would be nice.

So...what the hell is wrong with me?

Where should I begin? The beginning? Son of two highly intelligent people who had every intent to move to Colombia, S.A. to become Christian missionaries. My mom found out she was pregnant with me the day my Dad quit his job.

Maybe not THAT far back. But, check this out: They're still married. They're still thick as thieves. You think *I* am an ass? I am. I can't even deny that. But, I don't hold a candle to my father. Physically and emotionally, I have a slight edge. Mentally and spiritually? That man is a sun to my candle. My mama loves that man, though. (I do too, if you don't know. But, that's not the point.)

That's the example I have though. In all of my perambulations through this torturous exercise we call "life", my base...the most fundamental part of me...is one where a man marries and builds a life with an equally formidable partner and it is the two of you braced back-to-back wielding the sword of God against all comers.

#FAIL

So, now what?

So, now I reach for my now-classic emotional detachment and deal with the issues that confront me.

I'm too much of this and not enough of that for the women that I've met. I still crave that attention. But, with so many things confronting me right now, maybe I oughta just sit my ass down. Lord knows I don't wanna deal with another rejection on top of the struggles I'm having taking care of my children.

Still, it'd be nice to be wrong.

Just thinking...

---

I'm 6'4" and about 245-250 lbs, right now. I'm too tall and too stocky for the regular rack, but too short and too thin for Big & Tall. I'm too 'straight'...too 'sophisticated'...for hood niggaz, but too hood for folks from the suburbs. I'm too spiritual for agnostics & atheists, but nowhere near religious enough for churchy folks. My entire life has been spent with an outsider's perspective with not enough of one thing, but too much of another, depending on your perspective. But, a big part of growing up is learning to accept who I am while still trying to improve on the parts of me that need improvement. I'm still growing...and I hope to never stop being able to accept my flaws while I work on them.

How's Ya Dick Hangin'? 100 Year Old Woman Talks Dicks With News Reporter!

Why does this remind me of my family?

Hey! Read This!

An essay was posted on the Very Smart Brothas website regarding the friendship that Trayvon Martin had with Rachel Jeantel. Young Ms. Jeantel was on the phone with Trayvon moments before he was killed. Now, Ms. Jeantel was clowned terribly by many people for her perceived lack of education during her testimony. While it was their job to attempt to discredit Ms. Jeantel's testimony, the defense attorneys for the accused seemed to take special effort to make Ms. Jeantel seem as if she did not have the mental capacity to understand what was going on the night Trayvon was killed. A photo of the primary defense attorney, Don West, was posted on Instagram after Ms. Jeantel's testimony was completed. Mr. West was shown eating ice cream with his daughter and one other person. The photo was captioned, "We beat stupidity celebration cones". The photo was hashtagged "#zimmerman," "#defense" and "#dadkilledit."

Meanwhile, Ms. Jeantel's friend is still dead and the heartache of having to relive the night of his death is still fresh in her mind while a good portion of the country laughs at her or insults her appearance. My heart hurts over this kid's death. My heart hurts over any 'good kid's' death. And, I'm disgusted at the way this culture treats its children. In a span of months, it has trivialized the death of a child with statements like "Sorry, 'innocent' boys don't try to beat up anyone, much less the local watchman" and then followed its callous disregard of the loss of the life of this young man with its mockery of the victim's friend.

*smh*

Shame on us all.

Anyway, I recommend that you go to the Very Smart Brothas website and look at the article to get an insight on the interpersonal relationship of Trayvon and Rachel.

Deuces...

Sources
George Zimmerman trial: Instagram photo posted by defense attorney's daughter comes under fire
Rachel, Trayvon, And The Saddest Thing I've Ever Read
Trayvon Martin Was One of the Few Guys Who Didn’t Tease Rachel Jeantel- ROD VEREEN

Sexy...

Check out this archive of Sexy Mofos:

All new york women live in bad neighborhoods

— Michael Blackson (@MichaelBlackson) June 23, 2013

This one got me rollin', though.

Atlanta women wants to go shopping b4 they give u some pussy

— Michael Blackson (@MichaelBlackson) June 23, 2013

Told you...

Le Sheikh Noir - Adani & Wolf

This song is hot sex.

Quantum Ripples

Watch "AMV - Nostromo - Quantum Ripples" on YouTube

Minnie Mouse on Steroids

Oh, my! These are sessy! You'll just need the right outfit.

Pleaser DELIGHT-692 3-Strap Mary Jane Pumps - Pleaser Shoes - SinisterSoles.com

Gone

I told you: I don't have friends. I have family, genetic and non-genetic. Jacqués Brown is family.

When I met Jacqués, he was still in middle school. He was this laid back, li'l, stocky kid with an electric smile. Jacqués is younger than my li'l sister. But, it didn't really matter. He was always in the mix with the guys my age and older. He wasn't a pest, though.

I always greeted Jacqués with: "Wassup, Jacque?" I did that because it reminded me of Bugs Bunny. He knew. He didn't care. He was always cool. When Kevin was in trouble, or when Eric was being Eric, I could look at Jacque and roll my eyes and we'd both laugh. But, he wasn't a mean kid.

Jacque could dance, too. Jacque broke out with the jit at my brother's graduation party and my jaw dropped. Kid was NICE wit' it.

I'm numb. I just saw Jacqués in May. He was fighting a respiratory infection. He was annoyed by some of the things he was dealing with professionally and personally, but he was still easy with that grin of his. We parted with a promise to stay in touch and we did through Facebook and, more rarely, phone calls.

The last enemy struck again.

Goodbye, my brother. I'll miss you.

Wobble Wobble

Sometimes, what's on my mind is just this simple.

Cipher Unknown

Late, but I finally see it. The explanation for OX in Cannibal Ox – Ox Out The Cage is right there in front of me. I missed it. I'm slippin'. But, you don't know nothin' about Can Ox, I'm sure.

Watch Your Head

Cory Thomas' comic strip Watch Your Head is brilliant. It's the ongoing story of college students at a fictional Historically Black College. Their individual and collective stories are diverse, interesting and funny. If this comic isn't in your local paper, subscribe to it via email at GoComics.com.

I Might Not Be The Right One...

I'm really digging this cover of Daft Punk's Something About Us.

Wailing Winter Winds

Master of Death: [his jugular fatally slashed] Your technique is magnificent. 
[voiceover] 
Master of Death: When cut across the neck, a sound like wailing winter winds is heard, they say. I'd always hoped to cut someone like that someday, to hear that sound. But to have it happen to my own neck is ridiculous. 
[dies] 

Rent Asunder

This is a Valentine's Day graphic I did the year of my separation. This is a more accurate description of a broken heart.

What It's Like...

Nicely rendered, but inaccurate. A real broken heart isn't so anesthetically neat. A real broken heart is bloody and snotty and still beating and you have to keep living with its ragged edges and puncture wounds.

Physical...physical!

She's a skinny li'l somethin'...but, I like this.