I had a long, cathartic conversation with a very good friend of mine tonight. It seemed to be mutually therapeutic. I talked about things going on in my head, my heart, and my life. To my surprise, I told her something I've never told another living soul. I felt as if something of a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, too.
Do you know one thing I =>fully<= realized? I want a wife...not a wifey...not a fuckbuddy...not any of those other made-up, "modern" parodies of a real relationship. That's the rut. THAT is the rut!!!
Dudes don't hold hands any more, y'know? I want to hold my wife's hand. I want to wash her hair, clean the kitchen with her, and give her the side eye about her driving. I want to call in to work on a stormy morning and stay home with her watching Cary Grant movies. Sure, I can do that with a girlfriend. But, I want to do that with MY wife.
My friend said she pretty much aims to not be unhappy...which is something I have found myself doing. But, if life was a number line, like in math class, then not unhappy is just...zero. That's a sucky way to enjoy the GIFT of life, ain't it? But, people FIERCELY protect their zero. There has to be more.
Now, I have to get MYself together. Ugh!
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You'll likely BUST if you don't say it. Spill it and save somebody the clean up...